Currently listening to…
I have not made my struggle to stick to a consistent dilator routine a secret. Since my post about turning 30, I’ve managed to get into somewhat of a routine that still leaves much to be desired.
It normally goes something like this:
Identify most relaxing time of day.
Realize no such time of day exists and choose instead whatever time is most convenient.
Put black towel down on made bed, ensure comfort blanket is nearby.
Pick three dilators from VuVa set, choose sizes according to fleeting, momentary belief in oneself.
Lie down on back.
Apply lube to smallest dilator.
Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out.
Work to insert.
Work to insert.
Work to insert.
More breathing.
Stand up in case it makes a difference.
Lie back down once shaking legs make standing difficult.
Work to insert.
Wipe tears from eyes.
Wipe snot from nose.
Once dilator is inserted, set timer for 10 minutes.
More breathing.
Assess pain levels.
On a good day, I feel nothing with the dilator inside me. When that happens, I continue taking deep breaths while moving the dilator around in wide circles like the hands of a clock. This is something I learned in physical therapy, but lately it’s brought me great comfort to think of new imagery from Taylor Swift’s Midnights era. I’m not sure this is what she had in mind when she wrote,
I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork,
The dominoes cascaded in a line
I digress!
On other (bad) days, I feel pain. Yesterday was a bad day.
I got through 20+ minutes of solid clockwork with two dilators. I had more trouble than usual inserting the third, but persisted through tears, shaking legs, and a perplexing blend of both positive and negative self-talk. (I recommend the positive, but I always seem to revert back to the negative.) When I finally got it in, it hurt. I felt my entire body tense, and when I spotted my comfort blanket at my feet, paralyzed with fear of more pain, I didn’t reach for it.
Set timer for 10 minutes.
Wipe tears from eyes.
Wipe snot from nose.
Develop new appreciation for how much time 10 minutes actually is.
When time was finally up, I slowly removed the dilator. (To do this, I have to place one hand firmly on my abdomen because I experience disgusting intrusive thoughts about my insides coming out of my body along with the dilator. If I haven’t said so already, vaginismus is really fun!)
I felt okay right after. I took a sip of water and asked my partner if he wanted to join me for an afternoon walk. (Dear Reader, please do not understand this to mean that pre-afternoon is the most relaxing time of day for me. It is not.) We debriefed on our walk, as we do, and as I was telling him about the trouble I had inserting the last dilator, I felt something weird. Something bad.
I felt an internal pain shooting up from the top of my leg, through my pelvic floor, and into my abdomen on the right side of my body. I tried to keep walking, but the sensation was too distracting. I wondered if I’d been too forceful with the last dilator. Did I hurt myself? This thought was almost immediately followed by self-doubt. This is all in your head.
When I mentioned the sudden pain to my partner, he remained calm, as he does, and wondered aloud if what I was feeling was from a deep stretch or if I’d accidentally hit a nerve or possibly even a protruding vein.
“Stop talking about nerves and veins!” I shouted.
I was crying, not because of the pain, but because I wasn’t sure if I was actually experiencing pain. I’d realized mid-walk that I don’t trust myself with my own pain. Feelings of failure, confusion, and despair overcame me.
Why is this?
Is it because I spent 10+ years desperately seeking treatment for what I now know is vaginismus only to be told by board-certified doctors that my problems exist only in my head?
Is it because from the moment I understood I’d been born with a vagina, I’d been conditioned to believe that female pain is to be expected and tolerated?
Is it because I’d bought into the patriarchal notion that finally experiencing penis-in-vagina sex would cure me forever?
Answer to all: Yes.
For years, I was gaslit by gynecologists when I tried to advocate for myself. Eventually, the voices of those doctors extinguished my own inner voice and became deafening echoes whenever something in my body didn’t feel quite right, which was often.
It’s all in your head.
I was taught that original sin is the reason vagina-havers are doomed to suffer from menstrual cramps, painful childbirth, and excruciating, hymen-breaking first-time sex.
It’s supposed to hurt.
The treatment I received at the onset of my vaginismus diagnosis centered around penis-in-vagina sex as the cure. It was clear that the ultimate success was being able to have penetrative sex, regardless of my comfort level.
You’ll finally be normal!
Fast forward, and I’m 30 years old. I’m finally committing (or trying to commit) to a regular dilator routine after years of unlearning every harmful and downright inaccurate thing I was taught about anatomy and sexuality… and I’m blaming myself because it’s hard. Every time I try to make that make sense, it doesn’t.
For the record, the pain that I now suspect was an internal bruise disappeared quickly. So, along with continuing my dilator routine, I will also be working to establish myself as the authority on my own pain. I will type this affirmation louder.
I AM THE AUTHORITY ON MY OWN PAIN.
As are you, on yours.
Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out.
Wipe tears from eyes.
Wipe snot from nose.
Work to insert.
I stay in awe of your self awareness, self analysis, and transparency to share not only the physical side of these hard things but also the emotional. The work you are doing here for both yourself and your audience is incredible and needed. I am so humbled to know you.
Crying while dilating (or trying to dilate), feeling pain after and panicking, and questioning everything... I relate to all of that. 💕 Thank you for putting this into words and sharing. 🙏 I hate that we have to go through this. It's so hard and painful. Someday, we'll be on the other side. ✨️