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I soft-launched my struggle with setting boundaries in my post about turning 30, and maybe I secretly hoped that every person I’m currently avoiding would read it and take the hint. Of course, this did not happen. None of those people are subscribed to my newsletter, despite the closeness they insist we share. More than that, though, I’ve learned that boundaries cannot simply be implied. They cannot be circumvented via vague blog post, or danced around in favor of a more palatable (read: ineffective) solution.
Boundaries have to be clear. They have to be unwavering. They have to be established early, repeatedly, and oftentimes loudly. With this boundary profile in mind, it’s no wonder a chronic people-pleaser like myself finds boundaries to be a very hard thing. Here are a few unexpected outcomes I’m currently navigating.
People don’t like it.
Rather, people who don’t respect boundaries don’t like it. But chances are, if you’re plagued with people-pleasing tendencies like me, you’ve managed to surround yourself with these types of people. Maybe they don’t recognize what healthy boundary-setting looks like, or maybe your relationship with them relied on your lack of boundaries in the first place. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is while the expectation for the people closest to you to respond to your boundary-setting in a healthy way is normal, you might be unprepared for some of those people to excuse themselves entirely from your life. I was. Sometimes what feels like negative feedback is actually necessary change.
People don’t get it.
This is a nice way of saying that sometimes people don’t pick up on soft boundaries. Do Not Disturb doesn’t deter the most oblivious and aggressive of boundary-pushers. Most often, you actually have to say the hard thing. (For help with this, I use these boundary flash cards by Cami Orange like a Tarot deck.) I like to think that if someone was trying to set a soft boundary with me, I’d pick up on it right away and the truth is, I probably would. I’m so sensitive to social cues that I sometimes pick up on signals I’m not actually receiving, then leave events convinced that everyone in attendance hates me and is rejoicing now that I’m gone. That’s a hard thing for another day. The bottom line is that professional people-pleasers cannot be the standard for self-awareness. We have too much of it, which is how we got into this mess in the first place.
It’s isolating.
I’m a firm believer that venting about something more than once indicates that a boundary needs to be set. I pay a therapist to talk me through the things I need to discuss exhaustively to process, and so I’m hyper-aware that it’s unfair and unhealthy to constantly put that responsibility on my significant other and friends. Once you recognize that a boundary needs to be set, all that's left to do is set it. This sometimes takes me weeks to come to terms with, and the stress, preparation, and dread in the interim can be a very lonely place.
It doesn’t get easier right away, if ever.
Everybody tells me boundary-setting gets easier. Everybody. While I still hope this ends up being true, it has not been my experience so far. I have great anticipation for a future when boundaries (and my lack thereof) don’t stress me out to the point of blogging.
You will want to go back to old habits.
The moments immediately after I set a hard boundary are the moments I’m most likely to take it all back. Internally, I panic. I find myself desperately looking for a way out of the difficult situation I’ve just created, like a fish out of water. I scramble to answer phone calls I’ve committed to not taking, I say yes to things that it took me months to work up the courage to say no to, I begin anticipating and soothing hurt feelings that haven’t yet been communicated to me. I jump right back into plate-spinning mode thinking, I know how to fix this so that it’s comfortable for everyone again! And I do technically know how to fix the discomfort for everyone else, but it comes at the price of my own peace. I am not a fish out of water. I’m a person who has been drowning in other people’s responsibilities for so long that fresh air feels frigid when it first hits my face. In this situation, I find it’s best to just take a deep breath.
You will have to keep doing it.
Too many times I’ve taken that aforementioned deep breath and assumed the hard part was over. I said no! I was unavailable! I kept my promise to myself! It is unfair and unsettling that anyone would have to set the same boundary with the same person twice and yet, boundary-pushers are successful in getting what they want because they don’t readily give up. Saying the hard thing in these cases often means saying it once with your voice shaking, then again slightly louder, then maybe sending a follow-up email reiterating your boundary. Then weeks later, just as you begin to feel like you’ve conquered boundaries and that your therapist was right when she said that nobody would die as a result of your boundary-setting, you might find yourself in the exact same situation with the same person, staring at you wide-eyed anticipating your begrudging yes when you distinctly remember already telling them no. There’s a valuable lesson here. The ego of a perpetual boundary-pusher recovers quickly. Don’t fold.